Say 'yes' to YOU (3 of 3)

"When you say 'yes' to others, make sure you are not saying 'no' to yourself." - Paulo Coelho

Now that you’re a pro at gracefully declining at work, let’s talk about the tricky topic of saying no to friends and family. I say tricky because while clear boundaries are an expectation of professionalism, personal relationships are much more nuanced.

The task of developing this skill in our personal life doubles as a reflection on the health of our relationships. Sometimes, we avoid looking at this, because it could lead to tough decisions about who we are spending our time with.

I’ll put a pin in the larger topic for another day, but keep in mind that as you begin prioritizing yourself, and truly putting your needs first, some of your relationships will inevitably change.

Take a moment. Think through various personal relationships. Identify a person or people who you have a hard time saying no to, even when it’s bad for you to say yes. Ask yourself what makes it difficult to say no to this person.  Is it a fear of letting them down?  Are you afraid that if you say “no,” they will like you less?  Do you worry they won’t invite you the next time?  Is it something else entirely?

Always saying yes for these reasons is damaging in at least two ways:

• When you say yes because of fear or anxiety about losing the friendship, you are compromising yourself. The more damage we do to our sense of self, the more likely we are to continue in cycles of unhealthy friendship based on a false sense of obligation.
• When you say yes indiscriminately because of FOMO, you will overextend, and end up regularly bailing. This hurts friendships across the board. You become that unreliable friend who’s “Yes” is actually “Maybe.”

I’m guessing that you don’t want either of those outcomes for yourself.  And even if you already recognize those things in your life, it’s never too late to strengthen your sense of self, and to become a reliable friend with healthy boundaries. 

When you are struggling to say no, remind yourself of the following:

• Your time is yours and no one else’s.  
• You have personal goals and priorities, and if what is being asked of you does not align, you get to say no.
• "Maybe’s" are wishy-washy – people would rather know up front than be left in limbo.
• If you’re unsure, you can delay a response, but only temporarily.  Always give a firm yes or no.
• You can explain why you are declining, but you are not obligated to do so.
• If a friendship can’t survive a declined invitation, it may not have been a healthy friendship.
• When you say “no” to something that doesn’t align with your wants and needs, it frees up time for you to say “yes” to things that enrich your life.
• The more you practice this skill assertively, the easier it gets.  People respect clear boundaries. They are fundamental to healthy relationships.   

Do you have a hard time saying NO to friends and family, even when it's in your own best interest to decline? Meeting with a counselor is a great place to start developing this and other assertive communication skills.

Kathleen is a mental health professional in St. Louis, MO.  She specializes in the treatment of depression and anxiety in adults, college students, and high school students.  You can contact her office by phone: 314-499-2994, or email: kathleen@newleafstl.com.

Saying no like a pro (2 of 3)

Last week we started looking at NO and why it's tough. Saying NO in a professional setting can be particularly delicate. But it is a critical skill. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself with an overloaded plate and stress through the roof.  

Part of the problem is just semantics. When we hear “NO” we connect big meaning to a tiny word. We tie it to rejection, to disinterest, to negativity, to not being competent or able to do the job. And we worry we'll tie ourselves to these things if we dare utter those two letters.

Imagine your boss emails you and asks you to take on a new task. Imagine clicking reply, typing just “No”, then hitting send. What does that communicate? How would you feel sending off that email? How would your boss take it?

Of course you wouldn’t do that, because of things like respect and professionalism. So the skill isn’t just running around saying NO to everything and everyone. The skill is gracefully declining invitations and requests. 

Develop a general script or list of phrases for these types of emails or phone calls, and keep in mind the following:

• Be brief – offer an explanation for declining, but don’t share your whole life story. Your boss doesn't have time for that. 
   
• Be kind – express gratitude for the opportunity, and remember this isn’t the forum to gripe about how stressed you already are. (That's what us therapists are here for!)
   
• Be honest – avoid that familiar urge we “yes people” have to make up an excuse.  No one wants to hear your excuse. They just want to know if you’re gonna do this thing or not.

You can further soften the blow of NO by offering alternatives. Just be sure that whatever you offer is something you can follow through on.  For example, “I’m unable to (x,y,z) at this time, but my schedule will open up next month when I finish (x,y,z)” or “I can’t at this time but (name of colleague) expressed interest in this. If you’d like, I can connect you.” And then, ya know...follow through. 

Like any skill, this gets easier with practice, and can contribute to a healthier, more balanced professional life. Next week we'll talk about saying no to friends and family...a whole different story, but equally important.  

Do you have a hard time saying NO even when you know you're over-extended?  Meeting with a counselor is a great place to start developing this and other assertive communication skills!

Kathleen is a mental health professional in St. Louis, MO.  She specializes in the treatment of depression and anxiety in adults, college students, and high school students.  You can contact her office by phone: 314-499-2994, or email: kathleen@newleafstl.com.

"No is a complete sentence." (1 of 3)

If you’re like me, saying “no” is a skill not easily acquired. You also know that jaw clenching anxiety that creeps in when someone asks for something that you can’t or just don’t want to do.

If you know what I'm talking about, you might be a people pleaser, and your knee-jerk reaction to any request or invitation is “yes!” But indiscriminately responding with the positive ultimately leads to lots of unintended negatives.  Practicing the skill of “no” can be one of the best things you do for your own mental health, and the health of your relationships. 

When you say yes to every task run by you at work, even when your plate is full, you risk the integrity of your work, and your work-life balance. When you say yes to every social or family invitation, you risk double-booking, de-prioritizing time for yourself, and becoming that friend that consistently bails because she’s over-extended. 

We don’t want to be that person who half-asses her work and flakes on friends and family. So why is it so hard to say no? 

I’ve talked about this in previous posts, and I’ll go ahead and drop it in here too: FOMO.  The fear that any time we say no, we’re missing out on something. The desire to be included and part of the group is real, and it’s not always in our best interest.

Sometimes it’s hard because of who we’re saying no to. Think about it.  Who’s that one person that gets it, and you can say no without having to explain yourself? And who’s that person whose invitations are more like obligations? Learning to say no is part of boundary setting, and with practice, you can get good at it no matter who is on the receiving end. 

And sometimes, we don’t say no because we think saying yes will make us more agreeable, and therefore more lovable. And who doesn’t want to be loved?

All that being said, you probably shouldn't just start saying no no no to every single thing.  There are some intentional and thoughtful ways to do it. If you've been a yes person for a long time, it might take some time for you and your people to get used to your new skill. And that's ok!  In next week's post, I'll get into the art of saying no, and how to do it without damaging relationships.  

Do you have a hard time saying NO even when you know you're over-extended?  Meeting with a counselor is a great place to start practicing this skill, and other assertive communication skills!

Kathleen is a mental health professional in St. Louis, MO.  She specializes in the treatment of depression and anxiety in adults, college students, and high school students.  You can contact her office by phone: 314-499-2994, or email: kathleen@newleafstl.com.