If you’re like me, saying “no” is a skill not easily acquired. You also know that jaw clenching anxiety that creeps in when someone asks for something that you can’t or just don’t want to do.
If you know what I'm talking about, you might be a people pleaser, and your knee-jerk reaction to any request or invitation is “yes!” But indiscriminately responding with the positive ultimately leads to lots of unintended negatives. Practicing the skill of “no” can be one of the best things you do for your own mental health, and the health of your relationships.
When you say yes to every task run by you at work, even when your plate is full, you risk the integrity of your work, and your work-life balance. When you say yes to every social or family invitation, you risk double-booking, de-prioritizing time for yourself, and becoming that friend that consistently bails because she’s over-extended.
We don’t want to be that person who half-asses her work and flakes on friends and family. So why is it so hard to say no?
I’ve talked about this in previous posts, and I’ll go ahead and drop it in here too: FOMO. The fear that any time we say no, we’re missing out on something. The desire to be included and part of the group is real, and it’s not always in our best interest.
Sometimes it’s hard because of who we’re saying no to. Think about it. Who’s that one person that gets it, and you can say no without having to explain yourself? And who’s that person whose invitations are more like obligations? Learning to say no is part of boundary setting, and with practice, you can get good at it no matter who is on the receiving end.
And sometimes, we don’t say no because we think saying yes will make us more agreeable, and therefore more lovable. And who doesn’t want to be loved?
All that being said, you probably shouldn't just start saying no no no to every single thing. There are some intentional and thoughtful ways to do it. If you've been a yes person for a long time, it might take some time for you and your people to get used to your new skill. And that's ok! In next week's post, I'll get into the art of saying no, and how to do it without damaging relationships.
Do you have a hard time saying NO even when you know you're over-extended? Meeting with a counselor is a great place to start practicing this skill, and other assertive communication skills!
Kathleen is a mental health professional in St. Louis, MO. She specializes in the treatment of depression and anxiety in adults, college students, and high school students. You can contact her office by phone: 314-499-2994, or email: kathleen@newleafstl.com.