We all have them. Sometimes they’re realistic, other times not so much. Sometimes they serve a purpose, other times they create a space for major disappointment. This entry is about the latter. Unrealistic, internally formulated, predetermined expectations that we place on ourselves, people, and experiences in our daily lives.
Where do our expectations come from?
This could be a whole separate discussion, so I’m going to oversimplify. The expectations I’m discussing here come from input, that is then shaped in our minds into expectation. Input includes, among other things, how we grew up, who we interact with socially and professionally, and what media we consume (social and otherwise).
Where are expectations useful?
Expectations are useful in some settings as they provide guidelines for behavior and can create a sense of safety. For example, in a classroom, a teacher tells students what behaviors are expected. Most students work better and feel safer when they know clear boundaries. Or at work, a boss has certain expectations of employees (and vice versa in a healthy work environment). Here, it is useful to know what is expected of you so that you can fulfill duties in a specific role.
So when are expectations not useful?
Expectations no longer serve us when they are not based in reality.
Let’s talk about this. We are living in a bizarre world right now. We are so plugged into the machine, we easily lose track of where we begin and it ends. We are barraged, constantly, by images and text that paint an idealized picture of what living a good life should look like. Images and text that are highly edited, professionally curated, and for the vast majority of the population, downright unrealistic. If that isn’t a perfect recipe for feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and disappointment, I don’t know what is.
Depending on what input you’re consuming (who you follow, what you read, what you watch, who you surround yourself with), your expectations could be way the hell out there. For example, it does not make sense to measure your own unique image against the outward image of celebrities who have staff and tons of money dedicated to making them appear flawless.
Expectations also don’t serve us in interactions with others. Holding an expectation for how a person will respond to something can create anticipatory anxiety before anything even happens. It does not create space for organic interaction. It also creates unfair disappointment in the person when their real response doesn’t match the expected response…which you made up in your head.
Practice this:
Try to take note next time you feel disappointed in an interaction, an experience, in yourself, in another person. Get curious about that feeling. What about this are you disappointed in? What’s the barometer for success in that experience? What input might be influencing how you are measuring it?
Then practice this:
Check in with yourself BEFORE an experience/interaction. What expectations are you bringing into it? Are they based in reality? Are they achievable? If the answer to either of those is no, try to adjust the expectation or let it go completely.
Kathleen is a mental health therapist in St. Louis, MO. She specializes in the treatment of depression and anxiety in adults, college students, and high school students. You can contact her office by phone: 314-499-2994, or email: kathleen@newleafstl.com.