Expectations

We all have them. Sometimes they’re realistic, other times not so much. Sometimes they serve a purpose, other times they create a space for major disappointment. This entry is about the latter. Unrealistic, internally formulated, predetermined expectations that we place on ourselves, people, and experiences in our daily lives.

Where do our expectations come from?

This could be a whole separate discussion, so I’m going to oversimplify. The expectations I’m discussing here come from input, that is then shaped in our minds into expectation. Input includes, among other things, how we grew up, who we interact with socially and professionally, and what media we consume (social and otherwise).

Where are expectations useful?

Expectations are useful in some settings as they provide guidelines for behavior and can create a sense of safety. For example, in a classroom, a teacher tells students what behaviors are expected. Most students work better and feel safer when they know clear boundaries. Or at work, a boss has certain expectations of employees (and vice versa in a healthy work environment). Here, it is useful to know what is expected of you so that you can fulfill duties in a specific role.

So when are expectations not useful?

Expectations no longer serve us when they are not based in reality.

Let’s talk about this. We are living in a bizarre world right now. We are so plugged into the machine, we easily lose track of where we begin and it ends. We are barraged, constantly, by images and text that paint an idealized picture of what living a good life should look like. Images and text that are highly edited, professionally curated, and for the vast majority of the population, downright unrealistic. If that isn’t a perfect recipe for feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and disappointment, I don’t know what is.

Depending on what input you’re consuming (who you follow, what you read, what you watch, who you surround yourself with), your expectations could be way the hell out there. For example, it does not make sense to measure your own unique image against the outward image of celebrities who have staff and tons of money dedicated to making them appear flawless.

Expectations also don’t serve us in interactions with others. Holding an expectation for how a person will respond to something can create anticipatory anxiety before anything even happens. It does not create space for organic interaction. It also creates unfair disappointment in the person when their real response doesn’t match the expected response…which you made up in your head.

Practice this:

Try to take note next time you feel disappointed in an interaction, an experience, in yourself, in another person. Get curious about that feeling. What about this are you disappointed in? What’s the barometer for success in that experience? What input might be influencing how you are measuring it?

Then practice this:

Check in with yourself BEFORE an experience/interaction. What expectations are you bringing into it? Are they based in reality? Are they achievable? If the answer to either of those is no, try to adjust the expectation or let it go completely.

Kathleen is a mental health therapist in St. Louis, MO.  She specializes in the treatment of depression and anxiety in adults, college students, and high school students.  You can contact her office by phone: 314-499-2994, or email: kathleen@newleafstl.com.

Letting go of anger

Anger has a place. It is part of the human experience. It can be motivating, it can energize and activate, it can be a catalyst for important changes. But sometimes anger (or jealousy, or resentment, or bitterness) sticks around and no longer is of service to us. And this can cause problems.

Anger that we hold onto festers inside of us, becoming a grudge that takes on a life of its own. Or worse, that begins to define our life for us.

If this feels familiar to you, if you recognize built up grudges, grievances, resentments, and you are ready to put them behind you, consider trying some of the following:

When possible/safe – discuss it with the person(s) involved.

Many grudges are born from unaddressed miscommunications. If the grudge you are carrying can be resolved with an assertive and honest conversation…do it! It’s easy to avoid this interaction, especially for those of us who fear confrontation. But if there is room for it, allowing them the chance to apologize or to share a perspective you may not have considered could be what it takes to alleviate your anger.

Write about it.

Write a letter, a narrative, a song, a poem, or find another creative outlet that works for you. In this work, acknowledge the hurt/jealousy/resentment/anger that you felt (and still feel). Describe what happened in detail, including your emotional experience of it. Just the act of letting it out might be enough to lessen the burden. This might be something you share with a therapist or trusted person, or you may keep it to yourself. Some find it helpful to burn or tear it up at the end, as a tangible experience of letting it go.

Meditation.

Mindfulness meditation IS a practice in letting go. It’s a way to build the skill of non-judgmentally observing our thoughts and feelings in the present moment. As you hone that skill, you can also apply it to thoughts and feelings that are stirred up as you recollect the past. Use meditation to ground yourself, a reminder that you are here, safe, now. And that the anger you hold is an echo of the past. You can unburden yourself.

Hobbies/healthy distractions.

If your anger defines you, it can impact your daily activities. You may spend time scrolling through Facebook fueling your anger, looking at posts from people who you have negative feelings toward, and before you know it, an hour has gone by and you no longer have time for the gym or some other healthy activity. Or maybe you accidentally spend your entire happy hour with a friend trash talking the person, instead of catching up about other parts of your life. Does this sound familiar? Holding a grudge takes your time from you. Similar to my advice on rumination in the previous post – when you catch yourself doing this, replace the behavior with an activity that you enjoy, and that stimulates your mind in a positive way. Break that pattern of thought.  

Kathleen is a mental health professional in St. Louis, MO.  She specializes in the treatment of depression and anxiety in adults, college students, and high school students.  You can contact her office by phone: 314-499-2994, or email: kathleen@newleafstl.com.

Rumination: Why Do We Get Stuck?

We’ve all experienced it. An embarrassing social interaction. A stinging critique from your boss. A Freudian slip during an all staff presentation. A brief moment, no big deal. Until your mind starts replaying it over and over and over and over and over and over and…

This delightful habit is rumination. Most of us can think of a time or two that we’ve been stuck in a negative thought cycle. But if you engage in ruminating or repetitive thoughts on a regular basis, it will have negative effects on your mental health and well being.

It may take a long time to recognize rumination as a problematic behavior because, at it’s core, it is an attempt to problem solve. Problem solving is good! However, it slips out of the realm of healthy problem solving and into rumination if any of the following are true:

• You are thinking about it repeatedly for a long period of time that seems disproportionate to the problem

• You aren’t identifying solutions, just continuing to replay the problem

• It is a situation that doesn’t actually have a solution (i.e. an awkward social exchange - you can’t change the past!)

• It is negatively impacting your ability to participate in and enjoy daily life

Research on rumination shows that this behavior increases the likelihood of experiencing depression and anxiety. But research aside, think about this way. You have a problem, with all the emotion that is tied to that problem. Then the problem ends. But you continue to think about it, and feel about it, over and over again.

Rumination extends the emotional lifespan of temporary problems for however long you allow it to.

The good news: this is a learned and therefore able-to-be-unlearned behavior! Just like most things I write about here, with some practice, and some mindfulness, you can train your brain to decrease rumination. If you’re a ruminator, here’s a quick list of strategies to try:

• Distract yourself. This must be with an activity that you enjoy, so that your mind is actively engaged with the activity and therefore less likely to wander back to the problem.

• Talk with friends or loved ones – about anything but the problem.

• Use humor! Sometimes the ability to laugh at ourselves can be exactly what we need to break a negative cycle. Ever notice how many funny memes there are about social awkwardness and mental health? Because it’s hilarious - and we all experience it.

• Schedule time for ruminating. This might seem counter intuitive, but for many people, it is helpful to say to yourself, “I am allowed to think about this for 30 minutes at 3:00”. Think of it like compartmentalizing. If your mind knows it will get its chance to ruminate, it will be less likely to wander over to those thoughts while you’re taking care of business the rest of the day.

• Meditate. Meditate. Meditate. The practice of meditation is a natural solution to overthinking. Bring mindful awareness to your physical self and to your thoughts, allowing them to pass by, rather than to linger.

If you’re someone who ruminates, rehashes, or overthinks, and want some support in learning how to change that behavior, consider seeing a therapist for help with making that change!

Kathleen is a mental health professional in St. Louis, MO.  She specializes in the treatment of depression and anxiety in adults, college students, and high school students.  You can contact her office by phone: 314-499-2994, or email: kathleen@newleafstl.com.

The trouble with "Good Vibes Only"

Every day I see this on IG and on notebooks and t shirts that my students wear around the high school: “Good Vibes Only.” It’s an upbeat, passing thought, and I’m sure I’ve posted things similar, if not this exact phrase.

The sentiment here is innocent and cheerful with a hint of power (i.e. the implication that you have the power to control every vibe that comes your way - which *spoiler alert* nobody does).

But lately when I see it I can’t help but think: would I ever say this - With sincerity - to a distressed client or friend? What about those days when we just don’t feel good or positive? 

At best, this is a simple mantra and in the right setting could give someone a mental boost. But at worst – on those not-so-good days - it’s potentially isolating and invalidating to those who just aren’t feeling all light and positive right now.

Think about this in action. If your best friend loses a loved one, and comes to you distraught, lost, tearful, seeking connection and solace – would you say to them “ooooh, sorry, but good vibes only,” and shut down that interaction? My guess is no! Because what comfort does it bring to someone who is experiencing emotional pain to say only the fluffy, positive stuff is allowed?

And that’s why this phrase doesn’t work for me. The absoluteness of ONLY. The human experience isn’t ONLY anything. It’s not good vibes only, or bad vibes only. It’s both of these, as well as the whole range of emotion in between and around those two. 

Validation of emotions – all of our emotions – is an intensely important ingredient in human connection. Connection to self, and to others. 

Instead of brushing aside the “bad vibes”, try mindfully sitting with them, possibly with the support of a therapist or trusted person. Feel the heat of anger in your belly. Marvel at the vast depths that sadness can reach. Note the physical responses in your body to frustration or anxiety or embarrassment. Even right now, you might notice your shoulders raised to your ears, or your jaw clenched. Observe how grief and loss can roll over you like waves, sometimes crashing frequently, other times calm and receding. And note that all of these can occur simultaneously with other emotions - including the "good" ones.

And as you do this remember:

Your. Emotions. Are. valid.

In all their complexity and intensity, they are valid, and they are yours. And it’s OK to experience them - ALL of them. 

So … good vibes? Definitely!

But not good vibes only.

Kathleen is a mental health professional in St. Louis, MO.  She specializes in the treatment of depression and anxiety in adults, college students, and high school students.  You can contact her office by phone: 314-499-2994, or email: kathleen@newleafstl.com.

What to say to an anxious friend

Providing support for someone with anxiety is not always intuitive. You might find yourself tongue-tied trying to find just the right thing to say to your anxious friend, or stumble onto phrases that inadvertently make them feel even more anxious or isolated. 

Things that might feel like a pep talk for you, could actually have the reverse effect. “Come on, it’s not that bad!” or “It will be over in just a few minutes” or my personal least favorite…”JUST RELAX/CALM DOWN” appeal to the idea that their heightened emotional state is not a rational response to the stimulus. And that’s the thing…

Most of us anxious folks are fully…sometimes hyper-aware that what we are feeling is irrational. That knowledge does not change our experience.

So if you have a loved one dealing with anxiety, and you want to be a supportive person, what can you say?

Well before you say anything at all, remember to approach them with compassion, patience, and nonjudgment. Then evaluate how they're doing. 

If your friend is feeling anxious, but is calm enough to have a conversation, (or maybe after a panic attack has subsided) you could ask:

• Is there anything specific I can do for you right now? (This may be getting them a glass of water, or just listening, or nothing at all)
• Do you want to tell me more about that experience?

The key here is to show you are curious and caring, rather than judgmental, about their experience. Validating them can help create a safe and supportive environment.

If they don’t want to chat, you can simply express empathy through phrases like:

• This must be so hard for you.
• I am so sorry you are dealing with that.

Always be authentic. If these phrases don't work for you, find the words that do. There's no one-size response, as long as you approach with compassion!

If your friend is fully panicking, first remember not to contribute to their heightened state by also panicking. Instead, calmly try the following:

• I am here for you. You are safe.
• Can I walk with you to a different space (if the space they are in is triggering or vulnerable)?
• Depending on your comfort level and familiarity with their coping skills, offer to do a breathing exercise with them or offer them a glass of ice water (actually dunking your face in cold water helps too, but leave that up to them!)

Remind yourself that while a panic attack can be frightening – it will pass. And sometimes you can be supportive by just being present, possibly in silence, while they ride it out.

If you are struggling with anxiety, or want to learn how to support a loved one who is struggling with anxiety, booking an appointment with a therapist is a great place to start.

Kathleen is a mental health professional in St. Louis, MO.  She specializes in the treatment of depression and anxiety in adults, college students, and high school students.  You can contact her office by phone: 314-499-2994, or email: kathleen@newleafstl.com.

What you say to yourself matters (2 of 2)

Now that you’ve spent some time identifying your negative thoughts from that nagging inner-critic, what are you gonna do about it? 

When we feel unhappy, overwhelmed, depressed, or anxious, the feeling is a product of the thoughts we have about our situation, not the situation itself.

And this is good news! Because while you can’t always control your environment, you can exercise some control over these thoughts.  Small shifts in perception and mindset can help to turn things around.  Here are some strategies to try the next time your inner critic is on a rampage.

Observe them

If you read last week’s post, you’ve already done this! Simply identify your thoughts that are negative, and give them the space to exist without judgment. Just observe them. 

You might also try sitting with the thoughts and observing the feelings that arise - emotionally and physically. A brief body scan pairs well with this observant activity.

Challenge them

This is less passive then the first strategy.  Look at the content of the thought and ask, is this really true? Could I be overthinking/assuming/exaggerating? 

And also is it permanent? Will I feel differently about this in one hour? One week? One year?

Spin them

Try to shift perspectives and see, is there any other way to look at this situation that would be less upsetting? Is there anything positive here?

Box them up

If you find you can’t spin the thought, feel free to box it up for later in order to get on with your day.

You could do this by thought-stopping (actively telling your inner-critic “stop!”) or for some, it helps to actually visualize placing the issue in a box and putting it away for later. Just remember to come back and unbox it when you are feeling up to the challenge.

Crowd them out

There's a reason the phrase “Go to your happy place” is a cliche in mental health care. It might elicit an eye roll, but shifting your mental focus away from the negative thoughts does help.

You can internally crowd out the thoughts by thinking of happy memories, or just lighter, even humorous topics. Externally, you distract yourself by engaging in an activity that releases your feel-good chemicals, whether that's having a cup of tea, going for a run, meeting up with a friend, etc. 

As always – treat yourself with kindness.

When you catch that inner-critic harassing you, counteract that with compassion and care. If you're having a hard time telling yourself kind things, try a self-love meditation like this one.

Remind yourself that you are enough, that you are trying, that you are human and you are worthy of love and kindness. 

Do you feel like your negative thoughts are preventing you from living your best life? Do you find yourself in thought spirals of self-criticism? Working with a therapist is a great way to start taming that inner-critic in a safe, judgement free space. 

Kathleen is a mental health professional in St. Louis, MO.  She specializes in the treatment of depression and anxiety in adults, college students, and high school students.  You can contact her office by phone: 314-499-2994, or email: kathleen@newleafstl.com.

Is mindfulness just a buzzword? (2 of 2)

The practice of mindfulness has a long list of benefits.  And even better, there’s research!  So I’m not just making this up.  It’s science. 

Studies show that mindfulness reduces stress hormones in the brain, decreases the likelihood of dwelling on negative thoughts, decreases depression symptoms, increases relationship satisfaction, memory and focus.  It also can increase empathy, insightfulness, morality, emotion regulation…I could keep going, or if you want to get into the research-y stuff, you can read more here.

Mindfulness also makes us less likely to avoid.  It increases our ability to cope with stressors, and, really, is kind of the opposite of avoidance. Being intentionally present during difficult or uncomfortable moments is part of it too.  Mindfulness is not reserved for the yoga mat. You can be mindful at any moment.  Like...right…NOW!

Just remember, there’s no set zero-to-zen plan, and multi-day silent meditation retreats do not have to be your personal goal. Start where you are and show yourself patience and compassion.

Try doing short, mindful breathing activities, brief body scans to notice physical sensations in the moment or try being more mindful during an activity where your mind typically wanders (like working out or driving). A good place to get started is to download any number of free meditation apps that are available. Two I really like are Calm and 10% Happier. 

You can also be mindful by checking in with yourself once a day using an app like Pacifica. Not everyone is big on journaling, and apps like this are a modified, brief way to get some of the journaling benefits without sitting down and writing.   

There’s no risk here, and your brain wants this.  Needs it.  And there’s no moment like this moment, so may as well give it a try!

Do you have a hard time unplugging and want some guidance on developing your mindfulness skills? Getting in to your counselor’s office is a great place to start!

Kathleen is a mental health professional in St. Louis, MO.  She specializes in the treatment of depression and anxiety in adults, college students, and high school students.  You can contact her office by phone: 314-499-2994, or email: kathleen@newleafstl.com.