The trouble with "Good Vibes Only"

Every day I see this on IG and on notebooks and t shirts that my students wear around the high school: “Good Vibes Only.” It’s an upbeat, passing thought, and I’m sure I’ve posted things similar, if not this exact phrase.

The sentiment here is innocent and cheerful with a hint of power (i.e. the implication that you have the power to control every vibe that comes your way - which *spoiler alert* nobody does).

But lately when I see it I can’t help but think: would I ever say this - With sincerity - to a distressed client or friend? What about those days when we just don’t feel good or positive? 

At best, this is a simple mantra and in the right setting could give someone a mental boost. But at worst – on those not-so-good days - it’s potentially isolating and invalidating to those who just aren’t feeling all light and positive right now.

Think about this in action. If your best friend loses a loved one, and comes to you distraught, lost, tearful, seeking connection and solace – would you say to them “ooooh, sorry, but good vibes only,” and shut down that interaction? My guess is no! Because what comfort does it bring to someone who is experiencing emotional pain to say only the fluffy, positive stuff is allowed?

And that’s why this phrase doesn’t work for me. The absoluteness of ONLY. The human experience isn’t ONLY anything. It’s not good vibes only, or bad vibes only. It’s both of these, as well as the whole range of emotion in between and around those two. 

Validation of emotions – all of our emotions – is an intensely important ingredient in human connection. Connection to self, and to others. 

Instead of brushing aside the “bad vibes”, try mindfully sitting with them, possibly with the support of a therapist or trusted person. Feel the heat of anger in your belly. Marvel at the vast depths that sadness can reach. Note the physical responses in your body to frustration or anxiety or embarrassment. Even right now, you might notice your shoulders raised to your ears, or your jaw clenched. Observe how grief and loss can roll over you like waves, sometimes crashing frequently, other times calm and receding. And note that all of these can occur simultaneously with other emotions - including the "good" ones.

And as you do this remember:

Your. Emotions. Are. valid.

In all their complexity and intensity, they are valid, and they are yours. And it’s OK to experience them - ALL of them. 

So … good vibes? Definitely!

But not good vibes only.

Kathleen is a mental health professional in St. Louis, MO.  She specializes in the treatment of depression and anxiety in adults, college students, and high school students.  You can contact her office by phone: 314-499-2994, or email: kathleen@newleafstl.com.

What to say to an anxious friend

Providing support for someone with anxiety is not always intuitive. You might find yourself tongue-tied trying to find just the right thing to say to your anxious friend, or stumble onto phrases that inadvertently make them feel even more anxious or isolated. 

Things that might feel like a pep talk for you, could actually have the reverse effect. “Come on, it’s not that bad!” or “It will be over in just a few minutes” or my personal least favorite…”JUST RELAX/CALM DOWN” appeal to the idea that their heightened emotional state is not a rational response to the stimulus. And that’s the thing…

Most of us anxious folks are fully…sometimes hyper-aware that what we are feeling is irrational. That knowledge does not change our experience.

So if you have a loved one dealing with anxiety, and you want to be a supportive person, what can you say?

Well before you say anything at all, remember to approach them with compassion, patience, and nonjudgment. Then evaluate how they're doing. 

If your friend is feeling anxious, but is calm enough to have a conversation, (or maybe after a panic attack has subsided) you could ask:

• Is there anything specific I can do for you right now? (This may be getting them a glass of water, or just listening, or nothing at all)
• Do you want to tell me more about that experience?

The key here is to show you are curious and caring, rather than judgmental, about their experience. Validating them can help create a safe and supportive environment.

If they don’t want to chat, you can simply express empathy through phrases like:

• This must be so hard for you.
• I am so sorry you are dealing with that.

Always be authentic. If these phrases don't work for you, find the words that do. There's no one-size response, as long as you approach with compassion!

If your friend is fully panicking, first remember not to contribute to their heightened state by also panicking. Instead, calmly try the following:

• I am here for you. You are safe.
• Can I walk with you to a different space (if the space they are in is triggering or vulnerable)?
• Depending on your comfort level and familiarity with their coping skills, offer to do a breathing exercise with them or offer them a glass of ice water (actually dunking your face in cold water helps too, but leave that up to them!)

Remind yourself that while a panic attack can be frightening – it will pass. And sometimes you can be supportive by just being present, possibly in silence, while they ride it out.

If you are struggling with anxiety, or want to learn how to support a loved one who is struggling with anxiety, booking an appointment with a therapist is a great place to start.

Kathleen is a mental health professional in St. Louis, MO.  She specializes in the treatment of depression and anxiety in adults, college students, and high school students.  You can contact her office by phone: 314-499-2994, or email: kathleen@newleafstl.com.