"When you say 'yes' to others, make sure you are not saying 'no' to yourself." - Paulo Coelho
Now that you’re a pro at gracefully declining at work, let’s talk about the tricky topic of saying no to friends and family. I say tricky because while clear boundaries are an expectation of professionalism, personal relationships are much more nuanced.
The task of developing this skill in our personal life doubles as a reflection on the health of our relationships. Sometimes, we avoid looking at this, because it could lead to tough decisions about who we are spending our time with.
I’ll put a pin in the larger topic for another day, but keep in mind that as you begin prioritizing yourself, and truly putting your needs first, some of your relationships will inevitably change.
Take a moment. Think through various personal relationships. Identify a person or people who you have a hard time saying no to, even when it’s bad for you to say yes. Ask yourself what makes it difficult to say no to this person. Is it a fear of letting them down? Are you afraid that if you say “no,” they will like you less? Do you worry they won’t invite you the next time? Is it something else entirely?
Always saying yes for these reasons is damaging in at least two ways:
- When you say yes because of fear or anxiety about losing the friendship, you are compromising yourself. The more damage we do to our sense of self, the more likely we are to continue in cycles of unhealthy friendship based on a false sense of obligation.
- When you say yes indiscriminately because of FOMO, you will overextend, and end up regularly bailing. This hurts friendships across the board. You become that unreliable friend who’s “Yes” is actually “Maybe.”
I’m guessing that you don’t want either of those outcomes for yourself. And even if you already recognize those things in your life, it’s never too late to strengthen your sense of self, and to become a reliable friend with healthy boundaries.
When you are struggling to say no, remind yourself of the following:
- Your time is yours and no one else’s.
- You have personal goals and priorities, and if what is being asked of you does not align, you get to say no.
- "Maybe’s" are wishy-washy – people would rather know up front than be left in limbo.
- If you’re unsure, you can delay a response, but only temporarily. Always give a firm yes or no.
- You can explain why you are declining, but you are not obligated to do so.
- If a friendship can’t survive a declined invitation, it may not have been a healthy friendship.
- When you say “no” to something that doesn’t align with your wants and needs, it frees up time for you to say “yes” to things that enrich your life.
- The more you practice this skill assertively, the easier it gets. People respect clear boundaries. They are fundamental to healthy relationships.
Do you have a hard time saying NO to friends and family, even when it's in your own best interest to decline? Meeting with a counselor is a great place to start developing this and other assertive communication skills.
Kathleen is a mental health professional in St. Louis, MO. She specializes in the treatment of depression and anxiety in adults, college students, and high school students. You can contact her office by phone: 314-499-2994, or email: kathleen@newleafstl.com.