Letting go of anger

Anger has a place. It is part of the human experience. It can be motivating, it can energize and activate, it can be a catalyst for important changes. But sometimes anger (or jealousy, or resentment, or bitterness) sticks around and no longer is of service to us. And this can cause problems.

Anger that we hold onto festers inside of us, becoming a grudge that takes on a life of its own. Or worse, that begins to define our life for us.

If this feels familiar to you, if you recognize built up grudges, grievances, resentments, and you are ready to put them behind you, consider trying some of the following:

When possible/safe – discuss it with the person(s) involved.

Many grudges are born from unaddressed miscommunications. If the grudge you are carrying can be resolved with an assertive and honest conversation…do it! It’s easy to avoid this interaction, especially for those of us who fear confrontation. But if there is room for it, allowing them the chance to apologize or to share a perspective you may not have considered could be what it takes to alleviate your anger.

Write about it.

Write a letter, a narrative, a song, a poem, or find another creative outlet that works for you. In this work, acknowledge the hurt/jealousy/resentment/anger that you felt (and still feel). Describe what happened in detail, including your emotional experience of it. Just the act of letting it out might be enough to lessen the burden. This might be something you share with a therapist or trusted person, or you may keep it to yourself. Some find it helpful to burn or tear it up at the end, as a tangible experience of letting it go.

Meditation.

Mindfulness meditation IS a practice in letting go. It’s a way to build the skill of non-judgmentally observing our thoughts and feelings in the present moment. As you hone that skill, you can also apply it to thoughts and feelings that are stirred up as you recollect the past. Use meditation to ground yourself, a reminder that you are here, safe, now. And that the anger you hold is an echo of the past. You can unburden yourself.

Hobbies/healthy distractions.

If your anger defines you, it can impact your daily activities. You may spend time scrolling through Facebook fueling your anger, looking at posts from people who you have negative feelings toward, and before you know it, an hour has gone by and you no longer have time for the gym or some other healthy activity. Or maybe you accidentally spend your entire happy hour with a friend trash talking the person, instead of catching up about other parts of your life. Does this sound familiar? Holding a grudge takes your time from you. Similar to my advice on rumination in the previous post – when you catch yourself doing this, replace the behavior with an activity that you enjoy, and that stimulates your mind in a positive way. Break that pattern of thought.  

Kathleen is a mental health professional in St. Louis, MO.  She specializes in the treatment of depression and anxiety in adults, college students, and high school students.  You can contact her office by phone: 314-499-2994, or email: kathleen@newleafstl.com.

Rumination: Why Do We Get Stuck?

We’ve all experienced it. An embarrassing social interaction. A stinging critique from your boss. A Freudian slip during an all staff presentation. A brief moment, no big deal. Until your mind starts replaying it over and over and over and over and over and over and…

This delightful habit is rumination. Most of us can think of a time or two that we’ve been stuck in a negative thought cycle. But if you engage in ruminating or repetitive thoughts on a regular basis, it will have negative effects on your mental health and well being.

It may take a long time to recognize rumination as a problematic behavior because, at it’s core, it is an attempt to problem solve. Problem solving is good! However, it slips out of the realm of healthy problem solving and into rumination if any of the following are true:

• You are thinking about it repeatedly for a long period of time that seems disproportionate to the problem

• You aren’t identifying solutions, just continuing to replay the problem

• It is a situation that doesn’t actually have a solution (i.e. an awkward social exchange - you can’t change the past!)

• It is negatively impacting your ability to participate in and enjoy daily life

Research on rumination shows that this behavior increases the likelihood of experiencing depression and anxiety. But research aside, think about this way. You have a problem, with all the emotion that is tied to that problem. Then the problem ends. But you continue to think about it, and feel about it, over and over again.

Rumination extends the emotional lifespan of temporary problems for however long you allow it to.

The good news: this is a learned and therefore able-to-be-unlearned behavior! Just like most things I write about here, with some practice, and some mindfulness, you can train your brain to decrease rumination. If you’re a ruminator, here’s a quick list of strategies to try:

• Distract yourself. This must be with an activity that you enjoy, so that your mind is actively engaged with the activity and therefore less likely to wander back to the problem.

• Talk with friends or loved ones – about anything but the problem.

• Use humor! Sometimes the ability to laugh at ourselves can be exactly what we need to break a negative cycle. Ever notice how many funny memes there are about social awkwardness and mental health? Because it’s hilarious - and we all experience it.

• Schedule time for ruminating. This might seem counter intuitive, but for many people, it is helpful to say to yourself, “I am allowed to think about this for 30 minutes at 3:00”. Think of it like compartmentalizing. If your mind knows it will get its chance to ruminate, it will be less likely to wander over to those thoughts while you’re taking care of business the rest of the day.

• Meditate. Meditate. Meditate. The practice of meditation is a natural solution to overthinking. Bring mindful awareness to your physical self and to your thoughts, allowing them to pass by, rather than to linger.

If you’re someone who ruminates, rehashes, or overthinks, and want some support in learning how to change that behavior, consider seeing a therapist for help with making that change!

Kathleen is a mental health professional in St. Louis, MO.  She specializes in the treatment of depression and anxiety in adults, college students, and high school students.  You can contact her office by phone: 314-499-2994, or email: kathleen@newleafstl.com.

What you say to yourself matters (2 of 2)

Now that you’ve spent some time identifying your negative thoughts from that nagging inner-critic, what are you gonna do about it? 

When we feel unhappy, overwhelmed, depressed, or anxious, the feeling is a product of the thoughts we have about our situation, not the situation itself.

And this is good news! Because while you can’t always control your environment, you can exercise some control over these thoughts.  Small shifts in perception and mindset can help to turn things around.  Here are some strategies to try the next time your inner critic is on a rampage.

Observe them

If you read last week’s post, you’ve already done this! Simply identify your thoughts that are negative, and give them the space to exist without judgment. Just observe them. 

You might also try sitting with the thoughts and observing the feelings that arise - emotionally and physically. A brief body scan pairs well with this observant activity.

Challenge them

This is less passive then the first strategy.  Look at the content of the thought and ask, is this really true? Could I be overthinking/assuming/exaggerating? 

And also is it permanent? Will I feel differently about this in one hour? One week? One year?

Spin them

Try to shift perspectives and see, is there any other way to look at this situation that would be less upsetting? Is there anything positive here?

Box them up

If you find you can’t spin the thought, feel free to box it up for later in order to get on with your day.

You could do this by thought-stopping (actively telling your inner-critic “stop!”) or for some, it helps to actually visualize placing the issue in a box and putting it away for later. Just remember to come back and unbox it when you are feeling up to the challenge.

Crowd them out

There's a reason the phrase “Go to your happy place” is a cliche in mental health care. It might elicit an eye roll, but shifting your mental focus away from the negative thoughts does help.

You can internally crowd out the thoughts by thinking of happy memories, or just lighter, even humorous topics. Externally, you distract yourself by engaging in an activity that releases your feel-good chemicals, whether that's having a cup of tea, going for a run, meeting up with a friend, etc. 

As always – treat yourself with kindness.

When you catch that inner-critic harassing you, counteract that with compassion and care. If you're having a hard time telling yourself kind things, try a self-love meditation like this one.

Remind yourself that you are enough, that you are trying, that you are human and you are worthy of love and kindness. 

Do you feel like your negative thoughts are preventing you from living your best life? Do you find yourself in thought spirals of self-criticism? Working with a therapist is a great way to start taming that inner-critic in a safe, judgement free space. 

Kathleen is a mental health professional in St. Louis, MO.  She specializes in the treatment of depression and anxiety in adults, college students, and high school students.  You can contact her office by phone: 314-499-2994, or email: kathleen@newleafstl.com.

What you say to yourself matters (1 of 2)

The amount of time you spend talking to yourself is exponentially more than the time you will spend talking with your best friend, your parents, your partner, your kids, your pets…maybe more than all of that combined.  And the content of that life-long conversation has serious sway over your feelings, beliefs, and actions. 

Examining how we talk to ourselves can be eye opening. Do you treat yourself with compassion and caring? Or are you your own biggest critic?

We all have an inner-critic. But some inner-critics are much louder and meaner than others.  If this is you, learning to reign in that nagging voice could be a game-changer. 

Think about it. If someone followed you around saying things like “you’re gonna screw up this presentation,” or “why is she with a loser like you,” or “eesh, looks like someone needs to get on the treadmill,” what would you do?  Maybe you’d stick up for yourself, maybe ignore them, maybe get a restraining order because why are they following you around harassing you? The point is, you wouldn’t put up with that sort of dialogue externally. So why put up with it internally? 

Often, we put up with it because we aren’t even actively aware when it is happening.  Sometimes that inner-critic has woven itself in so seamlessly, the negative talk becomes automatic. And when your brain goes into autopilot on the negative self-talk, a few things happen.

• The negative thoughts become road blocks, preventing you from doing things that you want to do.  Want to apply for a new job?  Nah.  You probably won’t get it.  Want to invite that new friend for lunch?  Eh, she’ll think you’re weird for texting. 
• Negative thoughts lead to avoidance, preventing you from living your life and experiencing personal growth.
• The negative thoughts become part of your belief system and damage your sense of self-worth. If you tell yourself over and over that no one likes you, you will begin to believe it, and you will seek out evidence to confirm that false belief. 

The first step in retraining our brain, is to recognize negative self-talk when it is happening. And I’m not saying that every single negative thought needs to be eradicated. That’s not realistic.

A healthy amount of self-critique can be motivating. For example, “I probably need to brush up on my presentation skills” is not problematic, while “I just bombed and everyone thinks I’m an idiot” is.

Identify those thoughts that are hypercritical. The criticisms that paralyze rather than motivate. The thoughts with extreme, irrational, or absolute language.  Spend some time just doing that. Mindfully, observe them. Don’t judge yourself for having the thought. Just notice that it’s there.

Next week, we'll look at some strategies for dealing with these thoughts once you've named them. 

Do you feel like your negative thoughts are preventing you from living your best life? Do you find yourself in thought spirals of self-criticism? Working with a therapist is a great way to start taming that inner-critic in a safe, judgement free space. 

Kathleen is a mental health professional in St. Louis, MO.  She specializes in the treatment of depression and anxiety in adults, college students, and high school students.  You can contact her office by phone: 314-499-2994, or email: kathleen@newleafstl.com.

Say 'yes' to YOU (3 of 3)

"When you say 'yes' to others, make sure you are not saying 'no' to yourself." - Paulo Coelho

Now that you’re a pro at gracefully declining at work, let’s talk about the tricky topic of saying no to friends and family. I say tricky because while clear boundaries are an expectation of professionalism, personal relationships are much more nuanced.

The task of developing this skill in our personal life doubles as a reflection on the health of our relationships. Sometimes, we avoid looking at this, because it could lead to tough decisions about who we are spending our time with.

I’ll put a pin in the larger topic for another day, but keep in mind that as you begin prioritizing yourself, and truly putting your needs first, some of your relationships will inevitably change.

Take a moment. Think through various personal relationships. Identify a person or people who you have a hard time saying no to, even when it’s bad for you to say yes. Ask yourself what makes it difficult to say no to this person.  Is it a fear of letting them down?  Are you afraid that if you say “no,” they will like you less?  Do you worry they won’t invite you the next time?  Is it something else entirely?

Always saying yes for these reasons is damaging in at least two ways:

• When you say yes because of fear or anxiety about losing the friendship, you are compromising yourself. The more damage we do to our sense of self, the more likely we are to continue in cycles of unhealthy friendship based on a false sense of obligation.
• When you say yes indiscriminately because of FOMO, you will overextend, and end up regularly bailing. This hurts friendships across the board. You become that unreliable friend who’s “Yes” is actually “Maybe.”

I’m guessing that you don’t want either of those outcomes for yourself.  And even if you already recognize those things in your life, it’s never too late to strengthen your sense of self, and to become a reliable friend with healthy boundaries. 

When you are struggling to say no, remind yourself of the following:

• Your time is yours and no one else’s.  
• You have personal goals and priorities, and if what is being asked of you does not align, you get to say no.
• "Maybe’s" are wishy-washy – people would rather know up front than be left in limbo.
• If you’re unsure, you can delay a response, but only temporarily.  Always give a firm yes or no.
• You can explain why you are declining, but you are not obligated to do so.
• If a friendship can’t survive a declined invitation, it may not have been a healthy friendship.
• When you say “no” to something that doesn’t align with your wants and needs, it frees up time for you to say “yes” to things that enrich your life.
• The more you practice this skill assertively, the easier it gets.  People respect clear boundaries. They are fundamental to healthy relationships.   

Do you have a hard time saying NO to friends and family, even when it's in your own best interest to decline? Meeting with a counselor is a great place to start developing this and other assertive communication skills.

Kathleen is a mental health professional in St. Louis, MO.  She specializes in the treatment of depression and anxiety in adults, college students, and high school students.  You can contact her office by phone: 314-499-2994, or email: kathleen@newleafstl.com.

#selfcare

It's trending...and why wouldn't it be? Spending time outdoors, eating food (sometimes healthy, sometimes pizza), drinking wine, yoga, meditation, spa days, time with loved ones, time with pets, time alone. Sounds perfect! But this isn’t all there is to caring for yourself. 

This is #selfcare. We see it all over our Instagram feeds. It sometimes seems indulgent; it emphasizes slowing down and enjoying ourselves. It is setting aside time for specific, self-motivated activities that recharge us. And it IS beneficial. Taking a yoga class, downloading a meditation app (and actually using it), getting outside to soak up some sun, enjoying time with a friend, being present in an activity you love like painting or reading. All these things can help decrease stress levels and recharge us emotionally.

Why, then, do we so often feel stress roll right back in as soon as we leave the yoga studio? If this feels familiar, it could be because you are using #selfcare as an escape from a stress-filled life, rather than as a counterpart to true Self-care in a balanced life.

Self-care includes the less Instagram-worthy activities that contribute to our long-term wellness. Things like evaluating personal relationships, nurturing positive ties and cutting unhealthy ones; self-advocating in the workplace when you deserve a raise or are unhappy with a policy; sitting down with your finances and creating a budget; keeping up with things like homework, laundry, oil-changes, doctor’s appointments; engaging in physical exercise and healthy eating depending on individual ability and needs; keeping your environment clean so that you can relax at home. While these things aren't as glamorous or fun, staying on top of activities like these creates a foundation for long-term wellness and balance. When you put them off, they grow larger, and more daunting. But when they are attended to, it allows #selfcare to become part of the wellness picture, rather than an indulgence or escape plan. 

So how do you start truly caring for yourself? 

Start by sitting down and writing out the things in your life that need some attention – maybe things you’ve been avoiding – and ask yourself: 

What items on my list would take just a couple of minutes to complete? 

What items need more in-depth attention? 

What items might I need help with? 

See it on paper. Break it down into manageable tasks. Start checking these off, one task or sub-task at a time. Ask for support. Incorporate your favorite #selfcare activities to stay energized as you start to manage your list. And of course, be compassionate and patient with yourself. Care about yourself enough to get it done, because you know it will benefit you. And enjoy a balanced life where a good book and a glass of wine is an enhancement, not an escape.

Do you feel like you can’t get ahead of life’s to-do list?  Do you engage in #selfcare to avoid or escape?  If you feel you can’t even begin making this list, meeting with a counselor is a good place to start.  You don’t have to do it alone!

Kathleen is a mental health professional in St. Louis, MO.  She specializes in the treatment of depression and anxiety in adults, college students, and high school students.  You can contact her office by phone: 314-499-2994, or email: kathleen@newleafstl.com.