The amount of time you spend talking to yourself is exponentially more than the time you will spend talking with your best friend, your parents, your partner, your kids, your pets…maybe more than all of that combined. And the content of that life-long conversation has serious sway over your feelings, beliefs, and actions.
Examining how we talk to ourselves can be eye opening. Do you treat yourself with compassion and caring? Or are you your own biggest critic?
We all have an inner-critic. But some inner-critics are much louder and meaner than others. If this is you, learning to reign in that nagging voice could be a game-changer.
Think about it. If someone followed you around saying things like “you’re gonna screw up this presentation,” or “why is she with a loser like you,” or “eesh, looks like someone needs to get on the treadmill,” what would you do? Maybe you’d stick up for yourself, maybe ignore them, maybe get a restraining order because why are they following you around harassing you? The point is, you wouldn’t put up with that sort of dialogue externally. So why put up with it internally?
Often, we put up with it because we aren’t even actively aware when it is happening. Sometimes that inner-critic has woven itself in so seamlessly, the negative talk becomes automatic. And when your brain goes into autopilot on the negative self-talk, a few things happen.
- The negative thoughts become road blocks, preventing you from doing things that you want to do. Want to apply for a new job? Nah. You probably won’t get it. Want to invite that new friend for lunch? Eh, she’ll think you’re weird for texting.
- Negative thoughts lead to avoidance, preventing you from living your life and experiencing personal growth.
- The negative thoughts become part of your belief system and damage your sense of self-worth. If you tell yourself over and over that no one likes you, you will begin to believe it, and you will seek out evidence to confirm that false belief.
The first step in retraining our brain, is to recognize negative self-talk when it is happening. And I’m not saying that every single negative thought needs to be eradicated. That’s not realistic.
A healthy amount of self-critique can be motivating. For example, “I probably need to brush up on my presentation skills” is not problematic, while “I just bombed and everyone thinks I’m an idiot” is.
Identify those thoughts that are hypercritical. The criticisms that paralyze rather than motivate. The thoughts with extreme, irrational, or absolute language. Spend some time just doing that. Mindfully, observe them. Don’t judge yourself for having the thought. Just notice that it’s there.
Next week, we'll look at some strategies for dealing with these thoughts once you've named them.
Do you feel like your negative thoughts are preventing you from living your best life? Do you find yourself in thought spirals of self-criticism? Working with a therapist is a great way to start taming that inner-critic in a safe, judgement free space.
Kathleen is a mental health professional in St. Louis, MO. She specializes in the treatment of depression and anxiety in adults, college students, and high school students. You can contact her office by phone: 314-499-2994, or email: kathleen@newleafstl.com.