Rumination: Why Do We Get Stuck?

We’ve all experienced it. An embarrassing social interaction. A stinging critique from your boss. A Freudian slip during an all staff presentation. A brief moment, no big deal. Until your mind starts replaying it over and over and over and over and over and over and…

This delightful habit is rumination. Most of us can think of a time or two that we’ve been stuck in a negative thought cycle. But if you engage in ruminating or repetitive thoughts on a regular basis, it will have negative effects on your mental health and well being.

It may take a long time to recognize rumination as a problematic behavior because, at it’s core, it is an attempt to problem solve. Problem solving is good! However, it slips out of the realm of healthy problem solving and into rumination if any of the following are true:

• You are thinking about it repeatedly for a long period of time that seems disproportionate to the problem

• You aren’t identifying solutions, just continuing to replay the problem

• It is a situation that doesn’t actually have a solution (i.e. an awkward social exchange - you can’t change the past!)

• It is negatively impacting your ability to participate in and enjoy daily life

Research on rumination shows that this behavior increases the likelihood of experiencing depression and anxiety. But research aside, think about this way. You have a problem, with all the emotion that is tied to that problem. Then the problem ends. But you continue to think about it, and feel about it, over and over again.

Rumination extends the emotional lifespan of temporary problems for however long you allow it to.

The good news: this is a learned and therefore able-to-be-unlearned behavior! Just like most things I write about here, with some practice, and some mindfulness, you can train your brain to decrease rumination. If you’re a ruminator, here’s a quick list of strategies to try:

• Distract yourself. This must be with an activity that you enjoy, so that your mind is actively engaged with the activity and therefore less likely to wander back to the problem.

• Talk with friends or loved ones – about anything but the problem.

• Use humor! Sometimes the ability to laugh at ourselves can be exactly what we need to break a negative cycle. Ever notice how many funny memes there are about social awkwardness and mental health? Because it’s hilarious - and we all experience it.

• Schedule time for ruminating. This might seem counter intuitive, but for many people, it is helpful to say to yourself, “I am allowed to think about this for 30 minutes at 3:00”. Think of it like compartmentalizing. If your mind knows it will get its chance to ruminate, it will be less likely to wander over to those thoughts while you’re taking care of business the rest of the day.

• Meditate. Meditate. Meditate. The practice of meditation is a natural solution to overthinking. Bring mindful awareness to your physical self and to your thoughts, allowing them to pass by, rather than to linger.

If you’re someone who ruminates, rehashes, or overthinks, and want some support in learning how to change that behavior, consider seeing a therapist for help with making that change!

Kathleen is a mental health professional in St. Louis, MO.  She specializes in the treatment of depression and anxiety in adults, college students, and high school students.  You can contact her office by phone: 314-499-2994, or email: kathleen@newleafstl.com.

The trouble with "Good Vibes Only"

Every day I see this on IG and on notebooks and t shirts that my students wear around the high school: “Good Vibes Only.” It’s an upbeat, passing thought, and I’m sure I’ve posted things similar, if not this exact phrase.

The sentiment here is innocent and cheerful with a hint of power (i.e. the implication that you have the power to control every vibe that comes your way - which *spoiler alert* nobody does).

But lately when I see it I can’t help but think: would I ever say this - With sincerity - to a distressed client or friend? What about those days when we just don’t feel good or positive? 

At best, this is a simple mantra and in the right setting could give someone a mental boost. But at worst – on those not-so-good days - it’s potentially isolating and invalidating to those who just aren’t feeling all light and positive right now.

Think about this in action. If your best friend loses a loved one, and comes to you distraught, lost, tearful, seeking connection and solace – would you say to them “ooooh, sorry, but good vibes only,” and shut down that interaction? My guess is no! Because what comfort does it bring to someone who is experiencing emotional pain to say only the fluffy, positive stuff is allowed?

And that’s why this phrase doesn’t work for me. The absoluteness of ONLY. The human experience isn’t ONLY anything. It’s not good vibes only, or bad vibes only. It’s both of these, as well as the whole range of emotion in between and around those two. 

Validation of emotions – all of our emotions – is an intensely important ingredient in human connection. Connection to self, and to others. 

Instead of brushing aside the “bad vibes”, try mindfully sitting with them, possibly with the support of a therapist or trusted person. Feel the heat of anger in your belly. Marvel at the vast depths that sadness can reach. Note the physical responses in your body to frustration or anxiety or embarrassment. Even right now, you might notice your shoulders raised to your ears, or your jaw clenched. Observe how grief and loss can roll over you like waves, sometimes crashing frequently, other times calm and receding. And note that all of these can occur simultaneously with other emotions - including the "good" ones.

And as you do this remember:

Your. Emotions. Are. valid.

In all their complexity and intensity, they are valid, and they are yours. And it’s OK to experience them - ALL of them. 

So … good vibes? Definitely!

But not good vibes only.

Kathleen is a mental health professional in St. Louis, MO.  She specializes in the treatment of depression and anxiety in adults, college students, and high school students.  You can contact her office by phone: 314-499-2994, or email: kathleen@newleafstl.com.

What you say to yourself matters (1 of 2)

The amount of time you spend talking to yourself is exponentially more than the time you will spend talking with your best friend, your parents, your partner, your kids, your pets…maybe more than all of that combined.  And the content of that life-long conversation has serious sway over your feelings, beliefs, and actions. 

Examining how we talk to ourselves can be eye opening. Do you treat yourself with compassion and caring? Or are you your own biggest critic?

We all have an inner-critic. But some inner-critics are much louder and meaner than others.  If this is you, learning to reign in that nagging voice could be a game-changer. 

Think about it. If someone followed you around saying things like “you’re gonna screw up this presentation,” or “why is she with a loser like you,” or “eesh, looks like someone needs to get on the treadmill,” what would you do?  Maybe you’d stick up for yourself, maybe ignore them, maybe get a restraining order because why are they following you around harassing you? The point is, you wouldn’t put up with that sort of dialogue externally. So why put up with it internally? 

Often, we put up with it because we aren’t even actively aware when it is happening.  Sometimes that inner-critic has woven itself in so seamlessly, the negative talk becomes automatic. And when your brain goes into autopilot on the negative self-talk, a few things happen.

• The negative thoughts become road blocks, preventing you from doing things that you want to do.  Want to apply for a new job?  Nah.  You probably won’t get it.  Want to invite that new friend for lunch?  Eh, she’ll think you’re weird for texting. 
• Negative thoughts lead to avoidance, preventing you from living your life and experiencing personal growth.
• The negative thoughts become part of your belief system and damage your sense of self-worth. If you tell yourself over and over that no one likes you, you will begin to believe it, and you will seek out evidence to confirm that false belief. 

The first step in retraining our brain, is to recognize negative self-talk when it is happening. And I’m not saying that every single negative thought needs to be eradicated. That’s not realistic.

A healthy amount of self-critique can be motivating. For example, “I probably need to brush up on my presentation skills” is not problematic, while “I just bombed and everyone thinks I’m an idiot” is.

Identify those thoughts that are hypercritical. The criticisms that paralyze rather than motivate. The thoughts with extreme, irrational, or absolute language.  Spend some time just doing that. Mindfully, observe them. Don’t judge yourself for having the thought. Just notice that it’s there.

Next week, we'll look at some strategies for dealing with these thoughts once you've named them. 

Do you feel like your negative thoughts are preventing you from living your best life? Do you find yourself in thought spirals of self-criticism? Working with a therapist is a great way to start taming that inner-critic in a safe, judgement free space. 

Kathleen is a mental health professional in St. Louis, MO.  She specializes in the treatment of depression and anxiety in adults, college students, and high school students.  You can contact her office by phone: 314-499-2994, or email: kathleen@newleafstl.com.

Is mindfulness just a buzzword? (1 of 2)

Well…yeah. It’s a word. And there’s buzz about it. You see it on magazine covers, talking about the mindfulness revolution, mindfulness in the workplace, mindfulness in school. There are books ranging from using mindfulness to deal with depression and anxiety, to being mindful while eating.  It seems like anything can be done mindfully. But does this mean the practice is something to be brushed off as “just another buzzword?” I don’t think so. 

The practice of mindfulness has been around for centuries and is rooted in Buddhist tradition, though the word itself is newer. There are countless definitions for what it is, with common themes of awareness and attention to the present moment, observation of our physical, mental and emotional experiences in our environment, and compassion or nonjudgment of these observations.  Simple!  But maybe not easy. 

The rise of mindfulness in the mainstream seems to coincide with a world that is increasingly distracting and inattentive.

With our smartphones and social media, our world is quick, connected, and largely concerned with social capital and public perception.  Slowing down and disconnecting, even for a short period, seems impossible to so many people.  We even have a word for it now – FOMO anyone!? And this is exactly why we can't brush it off.  We need it. 

Mindfulness is the human response to a loss of attentiveness and care for ourselves that we’ve been experiencing for years.

Its popularity says to me that there is a desire to bring balance and wellness back into our lives.  It’s helping us realize that it’s OK to unplug for a minute, to stop focusing outward, and to turn that attention and compassion inward. It wants us to come back to ourselves, in this very moment. To recenter, refocus, relax.  

All of this is why it's not always easy.  It is a practice, that we can get better at.  In part two of this topic, I’ll get into some of the ways mindfulness benefits us, and some tips on how  you can start practicing mindfulness as part of your daily life.

Do you have a hard time hitting pause and want some guidance on developing your mindfulness skills? Your counselor's office is a great place to unplug and focus inward.  

Kathleen is a mental health professional in St. Louis, MO.  She specializes in the treatment of depression and anxiety in adults, college students, and high school students.  You can contact her office by phone: 314-499-2994, or email: kathleen@newleafstl.com.