Expectations

We all have them. Sometimes they’re realistic, other times not so much. Sometimes they serve a purpose, other times they create a space for major disappointment. This entry is about the latter. Unrealistic, internally formulated, predetermined expectations that we place on ourselves, people, and experiences in our daily lives.

Where do our expectations come from?

This could be a whole separate discussion, so I’m going to oversimplify. The expectations I’m discussing here come from input, that is then shaped in our minds into expectation. Input includes, among other things, how we grew up, who we interact with socially and professionally, and what media we consume (social and otherwise).

Where are expectations useful?

Expectations are useful in some settings as they provide guidelines for behavior and can create a sense of safety. For example, in a classroom, a teacher tells students what behaviors are expected. Most students work better and feel safer when they know clear boundaries. Or at work, a boss has certain expectations of employees (and vice versa in a healthy work environment). Here, it is useful to know what is expected of you so that you can fulfill duties in a specific role.

So when are expectations not useful?

Expectations no longer serve us when they are not based in reality.

Let’s talk about this. We are living in a bizarre world right now. We are so plugged into the machine, we easily lose track of where we begin and it ends. We are barraged, constantly, by images and text that paint an idealized picture of what living a good life should look like. Images and text that are highly edited, professionally curated, and for the vast majority of the population, downright unrealistic. If that isn’t a perfect recipe for feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and disappointment, I don’t know what is.

Depending on what input you’re consuming (who you follow, what you read, what you watch, who you surround yourself with), your expectations could be way the hell out there. For example, it does not make sense to measure your own unique image against the outward image of celebrities who have staff and tons of money dedicated to making them appear flawless.

Expectations also don’t serve us in interactions with others. Holding an expectation for how a person will respond to something can create anticipatory anxiety before anything even happens. It does not create space for organic interaction. It also creates unfair disappointment in the person when their real response doesn’t match the expected response…which you made up in your head.

Practice this:

Try to take note next time you feel disappointed in an interaction, an experience, in yourself, in another person. Get curious about that feeling. What about this are you disappointed in? What’s the barometer for success in that experience? What input might be influencing how you are measuring it?

Then practice this:

Check in with yourself BEFORE an experience/interaction. What expectations are you bringing into it? Are they based in reality? Are they achievable? If the answer to either of those is no, try to adjust the expectation or let it go completely.

Kathleen is a mental health therapist in St. Louis, MO.  She specializes in the treatment of depression and anxiety in adults, college students, and high school students.  You can contact her office by phone: 314-499-2994, or email: kathleen@newleafstl.com.

Letting go of anger

Anger has a place. It is part of the human experience. It can be motivating, it can energize and activate, it can be a catalyst for important changes. But sometimes anger (or jealousy, or resentment, or bitterness) sticks around and no longer is of service to us. And this can cause problems.

Anger that we hold onto festers inside of us, becoming a grudge that takes on a life of its own. Or worse, that begins to define our life for us.

If this feels familiar to you, if you recognize built up grudges, grievances, resentments, and you are ready to put them behind you, consider trying some of the following:

When possible/safe – discuss it with the person(s) involved.

Many grudges are born from unaddressed miscommunications. If the grudge you are carrying can be resolved with an assertive and honest conversation…do it! It’s easy to avoid this interaction, especially for those of us who fear confrontation. But if there is room for it, allowing them the chance to apologize or to share a perspective you may not have considered could be what it takes to alleviate your anger.

Write about it.

Write a letter, a narrative, a song, a poem, or find another creative outlet that works for you. In this work, acknowledge the hurt/jealousy/resentment/anger that you felt (and still feel). Describe what happened in detail, including your emotional experience of it. Just the act of letting it out might be enough to lessen the burden. This might be something you share with a therapist or trusted person, or you may keep it to yourself. Some find it helpful to burn or tear it up at the end, as a tangible experience of letting it go.

Meditation.

Mindfulness meditation IS a practice in letting go. It’s a way to build the skill of non-judgmentally observing our thoughts and feelings in the present moment. As you hone that skill, you can also apply it to thoughts and feelings that are stirred up as you recollect the past. Use meditation to ground yourself, a reminder that you are here, safe, now. And that the anger you hold is an echo of the past. You can unburden yourself.

Hobbies/healthy distractions.

If your anger defines you, it can impact your daily activities. You may spend time scrolling through Facebook fueling your anger, looking at posts from people who you have negative feelings toward, and before you know it, an hour has gone by and you no longer have time for the gym or some other healthy activity. Or maybe you accidentally spend your entire happy hour with a friend trash talking the person, instead of catching up about other parts of your life. Does this sound familiar? Holding a grudge takes your time from you. Similar to my advice on rumination in the previous post – when you catch yourself doing this, replace the behavior with an activity that you enjoy, and that stimulates your mind in a positive way. Break that pattern of thought.  

Kathleen is a mental health professional in St. Louis, MO.  She specializes in the treatment of depression and anxiety in adults, college students, and high school students.  You can contact her office by phone: 314-499-2994, or email: kathleen@newleafstl.com.

Rumination: Why Do We Get Stuck?

We’ve all experienced it. An embarrassing social interaction. A stinging critique from your boss. A Freudian slip during an all staff presentation. A brief moment, no big deal. Until your mind starts replaying it over and over and over and over and over and over and…

This delightful habit is rumination. Most of us can think of a time or two that we’ve been stuck in a negative thought cycle. But if you engage in ruminating or repetitive thoughts on a regular basis, it will have negative effects on your mental health and well being.

It may take a long time to recognize rumination as a problematic behavior because, at it’s core, it is an attempt to problem solve. Problem solving is good! However, it slips out of the realm of healthy problem solving and into rumination if any of the following are true:

• You are thinking about it repeatedly for a long period of time that seems disproportionate to the problem

• You aren’t identifying solutions, just continuing to replay the problem

• It is a situation that doesn’t actually have a solution (i.e. an awkward social exchange - you can’t change the past!)

• It is negatively impacting your ability to participate in and enjoy daily life

Research on rumination shows that this behavior increases the likelihood of experiencing depression and anxiety. But research aside, think about this way. You have a problem, with all the emotion that is tied to that problem. Then the problem ends. But you continue to think about it, and feel about it, over and over again.

Rumination extends the emotional lifespan of temporary problems for however long you allow it to.

The good news: this is a learned and therefore able-to-be-unlearned behavior! Just like most things I write about here, with some practice, and some mindfulness, you can train your brain to decrease rumination. If you’re a ruminator, here’s a quick list of strategies to try:

• Distract yourself. This must be with an activity that you enjoy, so that your mind is actively engaged with the activity and therefore less likely to wander back to the problem.

• Talk with friends or loved ones – about anything but the problem.

• Use humor! Sometimes the ability to laugh at ourselves can be exactly what we need to break a negative cycle. Ever notice how many funny memes there are about social awkwardness and mental health? Because it’s hilarious - and we all experience it.

• Schedule time for ruminating. This might seem counter intuitive, but for many people, it is helpful to say to yourself, “I am allowed to think about this for 30 minutes at 3:00”. Think of it like compartmentalizing. If your mind knows it will get its chance to ruminate, it will be less likely to wander over to those thoughts while you’re taking care of business the rest of the day.

• Meditate. Meditate. Meditate. The practice of meditation is a natural solution to overthinking. Bring mindful awareness to your physical self and to your thoughts, allowing them to pass by, rather than to linger.

If you’re someone who ruminates, rehashes, or overthinks, and want some support in learning how to change that behavior, consider seeing a therapist for help with making that change!

Kathleen is a mental health professional in St. Louis, MO.  She specializes in the treatment of depression and anxiety in adults, college students, and high school students.  You can contact her office by phone: 314-499-2994, or email: kathleen@newleafstl.com.

The trouble with "Good Vibes Only"

Every day I see this on IG and on notebooks and t shirts that my students wear around the high school: “Good Vibes Only.” It’s an upbeat, passing thought, and I’m sure I’ve posted things similar, if not this exact phrase.

The sentiment here is innocent and cheerful with a hint of power (i.e. the implication that you have the power to control every vibe that comes your way - which *spoiler alert* nobody does).

But lately when I see it I can’t help but think: would I ever say this - With sincerity - to a distressed client or friend? What about those days when we just don’t feel good or positive? 

At best, this is a simple mantra and in the right setting could give someone a mental boost. But at worst – on those not-so-good days - it’s potentially isolating and invalidating to those who just aren’t feeling all light and positive right now.

Think about this in action. If your best friend loses a loved one, and comes to you distraught, lost, tearful, seeking connection and solace – would you say to them “ooooh, sorry, but good vibes only,” and shut down that interaction? My guess is no! Because what comfort does it bring to someone who is experiencing emotional pain to say only the fluffy, positive stuff is allowed?

And that’s why this phrase doesn’t work for me. The absoluteness of ONLY. The human experience isn’t ONLY anything. It’s not good vibes only, or bad vibes only. It’s both of these, as well as the whole range of emotion in between and around those two. 

Validation of emotions – all of our emotions – is an intensely important ingredient in human connection. Connection to self, and to others. 

Instead of brushing aside the “bad vibes”, try mindfully sitting with them, possibly with the support of a therapist or trusted person. Feel the heat of anger in your belly. Marvel at the vast depths that sadness can reach. Note the physical responses in your body to frustration or anxiety or embarrassment. Even right now, you might notice your shoulders raised to your ears, or your jaw clenched. Observe how grief and loss can roll over you like waves, sometimes crashing frequently, other times calm and receding. And note that all of these can occur simultaneously with other emotions - including the "good" ones.

And as you do this remember:

Your. Emotions. Are. valid.

In all their complexity and intensity, they are valid, and they are yours. And it’s OK to experience them - ALL of them. 

So … good vibes? Definitely!

But not good vibes only.

Kathleen is a mental health professional in St. Louis, MO.  She specializes in the treatment of depression and anxiety in adults, college students, and high school students.  You can contact her office by phone: 314-499-2994, or email: kathleen@newleafstl.com.

What to say to an anxious friend

Providing support for someone with anxiety is not always intuitive. You might find yourself tongue-tied trying to find just the right thing to say to your anxious friend, or stumble onto phrases that inadvertently make them feel even more anxious or isolated. 

Things that might feel like a pep talk for you, could actually have the reverse effect. “Come on, it’s not that bad!” or “It will be over in just a few minutes” or my personal least favorite…”JUST RELAX/CALM DOWN” appeal to the idea that their heightened emotional state is not a rational response to the stimulus. And that’s the thing…

Most of us anxious folks are fully…sometimes hyper-aware that what we are feeling is irrational. That knowledge does not change our experience.

So if you have a loved one dealing with anxiety, and you want to be a supportive person, what can you say?

Well before you say anything at all, remember to approach them with compassion, patience, and nonjudgment. Then evaluate how they're doing. 

If your friend is feeling anxious, but is calm enough to have a conversation, (or maybe after a panic attack has subsided) you could ask:

• Is there anything specific I can do for you right now? (This may be getting them a glass of water, or just listening, or nothing at all)
• Do you want to tell me more about that experience?

The key here is to show you are curious and caring, rather than judgmental, about their experience. Validating them can help create a safe and supportive environment.

If they don’t want to chat, you can simply express empathy through phrases like:

• This must be so hard for you.
• I am so sorry you are dealing with that.

Always be authentic. If these phrases don't work for you, find the words that do. There's no one-size response, as long as you approach with compassion!

If your friend is fully panicking, first remember not to contribute to their heightened state by also panicking. Instead, calmly try the following:

• I am here for you. You are safe.
• Can I walk with you to a different space (if the space they are in is triggering or vulnerable)?
• Depending on your comfort level and familiarity with their coping skills, offer to do a breathing exercise with them or offer them a glass of ice water (actually dunking your face in cold water helps too, but leave that up to them!)

Remind yourself that while a panic attack can be frightening – it will pass. And sometimes you can be supportive by just being present, possibly in silence, while they ride it out.

If you are struggling with anxiety, or want to learn how to support a loved one who is struggling with anxiety, booking an appointment with a therapist is a great place to start.

Kathleen is a mental health professional in St. Louis, MO.  She specializes in the treatment of depression and anxiety in adults, college students, and high school students.  You can contact her office by phone: 314-499-2994, or email: kathleen@newleafstl.com.

What you say to yourself matters (2 of 2)

Now that you’ve spent some time identifying your negative thoughts from that nagging inner-critic, what are you gonna do about it? 

When we feel unhappy, overwhelmed, depressed, or anxious, the feeling is a product of the thoughts we have about our situation, not the situation itself.

And this is good news! Because while you can’t always control your environment, you can exercise some control over these thoughts.  Small shifts in perception and mindset can help to turn things around.  Here are some strategies to try the next time your inner critic is on a rampage.

Observe them

If you read last week’s post, you’ve already done this! Simply identify your thoughts that are negative, and give them the space to exist without judgment. Just observe them. 

You might also try sitting with the thoughts and observing the feelings that arise - emotionally and physically. A brief body scan pairs well with this observant activity.

Challenge them

This is less passive then the first strategy.  Look at the content of the thought and ask, is this really true? Could I be overthinking/assuming/exaggerating? 

And also is it permanent? Will I feel differently about this in one hour? One week? One year?

Spin them

Try to shift perspectives and see, is there any other way to look at this situation that would be less upsetting? Is there anything positive here?

Box them up

If you find you can’t spin the thought, feel free to box it up for later in order to get on with your day.

You could do this by thought-stopping (actively telling your inner-critic “stop!”) or for some, it helps to actually visualize placing the issue in a box and putting it away for later. Just remember to come back and unbox it when you are feeling up to the challenge.

Crowd them out

There's a reason the phrase “Go to your happy place” is a cliche in mental health care. It might elicit an eye roll, but shifting your mental focus away from the negative thoughts does help.

You can internally crowd out the thoughts by thinking of happy memories, or just lighter, even humorous topics. Externally, you distract yourself by engaging in an activity that releases your feel-good chemicals, whether that's having a cup of tea, going for a run, meeting up with a friend, etc. 

As always – treat yourself with kindness.

When you catch that inner-critic harassing you, counteract that with compassion and care. If you're having a hard time telling yourself kind things, try a self-love meditation like this one.

Remind yourself that you are enough, that you are trying, that you are human and you are worthy of love and kindness. 

Do you feel like your negative thoughts are preventing you from living your best life? Do you find yourself in thought spirals of self-criticism? Working with a therapist is a great way to start taming that inner-critic in a safe, judgement free space. 

Kathleen is a mental health professional in St. Louis, MO.  She specializes in the treatment of depression and anxiety in adults, college students, and high school students.  You can contact her office by phone: 314-499-2994, or email: kathleen@newleafstl.com.

What you say to yourself matters (1 of 2)

The amount of time you spend talking to yourself is exponentially more than the time you will spend talking with your best friend, your parents, your partner, your kids, your pets…maybe more than all of that combined.  And the content of that life-long conversation has serious sway over your feelings, beliefs, and actions. 

Examining how we talk to ourselves can be eye opening. Do you treat yourself with compassion and caring? Or are you your own biggest critic?

We all have an inner-critic. But some inner-critics are much louder and meaner than others.  If this is you, learning to reign in that nagging voice could be a game-changer. 

Think about it. If someone followed you around saying things like “you’re gonna screw up this presentation,” or “why is she with a loser like you,” or “eesh, looks like someone needs to get on the treadmill,” what would you do?  Maybe you’d stick up for yourself, maybe ignore them, maybe get a restraining order because why are they following you around harassing you? The point is, you wouldn’t put up with that sort of dialogue externally. So why put up with it internally? 

Often, we put up with it because we aren’t even actively aware when it is happening.  Sometimes that inner-critic has woven itself in so seamlessly, the negative talk becomes automatic. And when your brain goes into autopilot on the negative self-talk, a few things happen.

• The negative thoughts become road blocks, preventing you from doing things that you want to do.  Want to apply for a new job?  Nah.  You probably won’t get it.  Want to invite that new friend for lunch?  Eh, she’ll think you’re weird for texting. 
• Negative thoughts lead to avoidance, preventing you from living your life and experiencing personal growth.
• The negative thoughts become part of your belief system and damage your sense of self-worth. If you tell yourself over and over that no one likes you, you will begin to believe it, and you will seek out evidence to confirm that false belief. 

The first step in retraining our brain, is to recognize negative self-talk when it is happening. And I’m not saying that every single negative thought needs to be eradicated. That’s not realistic.

A healthy amount of self-critique can be motivating. For example, “I probably need to brush up on my presentation skills” is not problematic, while “I just bombed and everyone thinks I’m an idiot” is.

Identify those thoughts that are hypercritical. The criticisms that paralyze rather than motivate. The thoughts with extreme, irrational, or absolute language.  Spend some time just doing that. Mindfully, observe them. Don’t judge yourself for having the thought. Just notice that it’s there.

Next week, we'll look at some strategies for dealing with these thoughts once you've named them. 

Do you feel like your negative thoughts are preventing you from living your best life? Do you find yourself in thought spirals of self-criticism? Working with a therapist is a great way to start taming that inner-critic in a safe, judgement free space. 

Kathleen is a mental health professional in St. Louis, MO.  She specializes in the treatment of depression and anxiety in adults, college students, and high school students.  You can contact her office by phone: 314-499-2994, or email: kathleen@newleafstl.com.

Say 'yes' to YOU (3 of 3)

"When you say 'yes' to others, make sure you are not saying 'no' to yourself." - Paulo Coelho

Now that you’re a pro at gracefully declining at work, let’s talk about the tricky topic of saying no to friends and family. I say tricky because while clear boundaries are an expectation of professionalism, personal relationships are much more nuanced.

The task of developing this skill in our personal life doubles as a reflection on the health of our relationships. Sometimes, we avoid looking at this, because it could lead to tough decisions about who we are spending our time with.

I’ll put a pin in the larger topic for another day, but keep in mind that as you begin prioritizing yourself, and truly putting your needs first, some of your relationships will inevitably change.

Take a moment. Think through various personal relationships. Identify a person or people who you have a hard time saying no to, even when it’s bad for you to say yes. Ask yourself what makes it difficult to say no to this person.  Is it a fear of letting them down?  Are you afraid that if you say “no,” they will like you less?  Do you worry they won’t invite you the next time?  Is it something else entirely?

Always saying yes for these reasons is damaging in at least two ways:

• When you say yes because of fear or anxiety about losing the friendship, you are compromising yourself. The more damage we do to our sense of self, the more likely we are to continue in cycles of unhealthy friendship based on a false sense of obligation.
• When you say yes indiscriminately because of FOMO, you will overextend, and end up regularly bailing. This hurts friendships across the board. You become that unreliable friend who’s “Yes” is actually “Maybe.”

I’m guessing that you don’t want either of those outcomes for yourself.  And even if you already recognize those things in your life, it’s never too late to strengthen your sense of self, and to become a reliable friend with healthy boundaries. 

When you are struggling to say no, remind yourself of the following:

• Your time is yours and no one else’s.  
• You have personal goals and priorities, and if what is being asked of you does not align, you get to say no.
• "Maybe’s" are wishy-washy – people would rather know up front than be left in limbo.
• If you’re unsure, you can delay a response, but only temporarily.  Always give a firm yes or no.
• You can explain why you are declining, but you are not obligated to do so.
• If a friendship can’t survive a declined invitation, it may not have been a healthy friendship.
• When you say “no” to something that doesn’t align with your wants and needs, it frees up time for you to say “yes” to things that enrich your life.
• The more you practice this skill assertively, the easier it gets.  People respect clear boundaries. They are fundamental to healthy relationships.   

Do you have a hard time saying NO to friends and family, even when it's in your own best interest to decline? Meeting with a counselor is a great place to start developing this and other assertive communication skills.

Kathleen is a mental health professional in St. Louis, MO.  She specializes in the treatment of depression and anxiety in adults, college students, and high school students.  You can contact her office by phone: 314-499-2994, or email: kathleen@newleafstl.com.

Saying no like a pro (2 of 3)

Last week we started looking at NO and why it's tough. Saying NO in a professional setting can be particularly delicate. But it is a critical skill. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself with an overloaded plate and stress through the roof.  

Part of the problem is just semantics. When we hear “NO” we connect big meaning to a tiny word. We tie it to rejection, to disinterest, to negativity, to not being competent or able to do the job. And we worry we'll tie ourselves to these things if we dare utter those two letters.

Imagine your boss emails you and asks you to take on a new task. Imagine clicking reply, typing just “No”, then hitting send. What does that communicate? How would you feel sending off that email? How would your boss take it?

Of course you wouldn’t do that, because of things like respect and professionalism. So the skill isn’t just running around saying NO to everything and everyone. The skill is gracefully declining invitations and requests. 

Develop a general script or list of phrases for these types of emails or phone calls, and keep in mind the following:

• Be brief – offer an explanation for declining, but don’t share your whole life story. Your boss doesn't have time for that. 
   
• Be kind – express gratitude for the opportunity, and remember this isn’t the forum to gripe about how stressed you already are. (That's what us therapists are here for!)
   
• Be honest – avoid that familiar urge we “yes people” have to make up an excuse.  No one wants to hear your excuse. They just want to know if you’re gonna do this thing or not.

You can further soften the blow of NO by offering alternatives. Just be sure that whatever you offer is something you can follow through on.  For example, “I’m unable to (x,y,z) at this time, but my schedule will open up next month when I finish (x,y,z)” or “I can’t at this time but (name of colleague) expressed interest in this. If you’d like, I can connect you.” And then, ya know...follow through. 

Like any skill, this gets easier with practice, and can contribute to a healthier, more balanced professional life. Next week we'll talk about saying no to friends and family...a whole different story, but equally important.  

Do you have a hard time saying NO even when you know you're over-extended?  Meeting with a counselor is a great place to start developing this and other assertive communication skills!

Kathleen is a mental health professional in St. Louis, MO.  She specializes in the treatment of depression and anxiety in adults, college students, and high school students.  You can contact her office by phone: 314-499-2994, or email: kathleen@newleafstl.com.

"No is a complete sentence." (1 of 3)

If you’re like me, saying “no” is a skill not easily acquired. You also know that jaw clenching anxiety that creeps in when someone asks for something that you can’t or just don’t want to do.

If you know what I'm talking about, you might be a people pleaser, and your knee-jerk reaction to any request or invitation is “yes!” But indiscriminately responding with the positive ultimately leads to lots of unintended negatives.  Practicing the skill of “no” can be one of the best things you do for your own mental health, and the health of your relationships. 

When you say yes to every task run by you at work, even when your plate is full, you risk the integrity of your work, and your work-life balance. When you say yes to every social or family invitation, you risk double-booking, de-prioritizing time for yourself, and becoming that friend that consistently bails because she’s over-extended. 

We don’t want to be that person who half-asses her work and flakes on friends and family. So why is it so hard to say no? 

I’ve talked about this in previous posts, and I’ll go ahead and drop it in here too: FOMO.  The fear that any time we say no, we’re missing out on something. The desire to be included and part of the group is real, and it’s not always in our best interest.

Sometimes it’s hard because of who we’re saying no to. Think about it.  Who’s that one person that gets it, and you can say no without having to explain yourself? And who’s that person whose invitations are more like obligations? Learning to say no is part of boundary setting, and with practice, you can get good at it no matter who is on the receiving end. 

And sometimes, we don’t say no because we think saying yes will make us more agreeable, and therefore more lovable. And who doesn’t want to be loved?

All that being said, you probably shouldn't just start saying no no no to every single thing.  There are some intentional and thoughtful ways to do it. If you've been a yes person for a long time, it might take some time for you and your people to get used to your new skill. And that's ok!  In next week's post, I'll get into the art of saying no, and how to do it without damaging relationships.  

Do you have a hard time saying NO even when you know you're over-extended?  Meeting with a counselor is a great place to start practicing this skill, and other assertive communication skills!

Kathleen is a mental health professional in St. Louis, MO.  She specializes in the treatment of depression and anxiety in adults, college students, and high school students.  You can contact her office by phone: 314-499-2994, or email: kathleen@newleafstl.com.