Expectations

We all have them. Sometimes they’re realistic, other times not so much. Sometimes they serve a purpose, other times they create a space for major disappointment. This entry is about the latter. Unrealistic, internally formulated, predetermined expectations that we place on ourselves, people, and experiences in our daily lives.

Where do our expectations come from?

This could be a whole separate discussion, so I’m going to oversimplify. The expectations I’m discussing here come from input, that is then shaped in our minds into expectation. Input includes, among other things, how we grew up, who we interact with socially and professionally, and what media we consume (social and otherwise).

Where are expectations useful?

Expectations are useful in some settings as they provide guidelines for behavior and can create a sense of safety. For example, in a classroom, a teacher tells students what behaviors are expected. Most students work better and feel safer when they know clear boundaries. Or at work, a boss has certain expectations of employees (and vice versa in a healthy work environment). Here, it is useful to know what is expected of you so that you can fulfill duties in a specific role.

So when are expectations not useful?

Expectations no longer serve us when they are not based in reality.

Let’s talk about this. We are living in a bizarre world right now. We are so plugged into the machine, we easily lose track of where we begin and it ends. We are barraged, constantly, by images and text that paint an idealized picture of what living a good life should look like. Images and text that are highly edited, professionally curated, and for the vast majority of the population, downright unrealistic. If that isn’t a perfect recipe for feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and disappointment, I don’t know what is.

Depending on what input you’re consuming (who you follow, what you read, what you watch, who you surround yourself with), your expectations could be way the hell out there. For example, it does not make sense to measure your own unique image against the outward image of celebrities who have staff and tons of money dedicated to making them appear flawless.

Expectations also don’t serve us in interactions with others. Holding an expectation for how a person will respond to something can create anticipatory anxiety before anything even happens. It does not create space for organic interaction. It also creates unfair disappointment in the person when their real response doesn’t match the expected response…which you made up in your head.

Practice this:

Try to take note next time you feel disappointed in an interaction, an experience, in yourself, in another person. Get curious about that feeling. What about this are you disappointed in? What’s the barometer for success in that experience? What input might be influencing how you are measuring it?

Then practice this:

Check in with yourself BEFORE an experience/interaction. What expectations are you bringing into it? Are they based in reality? Are they achievable? If the answer to either of those is no, try to adjust the expectation or let it go completely.

Kathleen is a mental health therapist in St. Louis, MO.  She specializes in the treatment of depression and anxiety in adults, college students, and high school students.  You can contact her office by phone: 314-499-2994, or email: kathleen@newleafstl.com.

Letting go of anger

Anger has a place. It is part of the human experience. It can be motivating, it can energize and activate, it can be a catalyst for important changes. But sometimes anger (or jealousy, or resentment, or bitterness) sticks around and no longer is of service to us. And this can cause problems.

Anger that we hold onto festers inside of us, becoming a grudge that takes on a life of its own. Or worse, that begins to define our life for us.

If this feels familiar to you, if you recognize built up grudges, grievances, resentments, and you are ready to put them behind you, consider trying some of the following:

When possible/safe – discuss it with the person(s) involved.

Many grudges are born from unaddressed miscommunications. If the grudge you are carrying can be resolved with an assertive and honest conversation…do it! It’s easy to avoid this interaction, especially for those of us who fear confrontation. But if there is room for it, allowing them the chance to apologize or to share a perspective you may not have considered could be what it takes to alleviate your anger.

Write about it.

Write a letter, a narrative, a song, a poem, or find another creative outlet that works for you. In this work, acknowledge the hurt/jealousy/resentment/anger that you felt (and still feel). Describe what happened in detail, including your emotional experience of it. Just the act of letting it out might be enough to lessen the burden. This might be something you share with a therapist or trusted person, or you may keep it to yourself. Some find it helpful to burn or tear it up at the end, as a tangible experience of letting it go.

Meditation.

Mindfulness meditation IS a practice in letting go. It’s a way to build the skill of non-judgmentally observing our thoughts and feelings in the present moment. As you hone that skill, you can also apply it to thoughts and feelings that are stirred up as you recollect the past. Use meditation to ground yourself, a reminder that you are here, safe, now. And that the anger you hold is an echo of the past. You can unburden yourself.

Hobbies/healthy distractions.

If your anger defines you, it can impact your daily activities. You may spend time scrolling through Facebook fueling your anger, looking at posts from people who you have negative feelings toward, and before you know it, an hour has gone by and you no longer have time for the gym or some other healthy activity. Or maybe you accidentally spend your entire happy hour with a friend trash talking the person, instead of catching up about other parts of your life. Does this sound familiar? Holding a grudge takes your time from you. Similar to my advice on rumination in the previous post – when you catch yourself doing this, replace the behavior with an activity that you enjoy, and that stimulates your mind in a positive way. Break that pattern of thought.  

Kathleen is a mental health professional in St. Louis, MO.  She specializes in the treatment of depression and anxiety in adults, college students, and high school students.  You can contact her office by phone: 314-499-2994, or email: kathleen@newleafstl.com.

What you say to yourself matters (2 of 2)

Now that you’ve spent some time identifying your negative thoughts from that nagging inner-critic, what are you gonna do about it? 

When we feel unhappy, overwhelmed, depressed, or anxious, the feeling is a product of the thoughts we have about our situation, not the situation itself.

And this is good news! Because while you can’t always control your environment, you can exercise some control over these thoughts.  Small shifts in perception and mindset can help to turn things around.  Here are some strategies to try the next time your inner critic is on a rampage.

Observe them

If you read last week’s post, you’ve already done this! Simply identify your thoughts that are negative, and give them the space to exist without judgment. Just observe them. 

You might also try sitting with the thoughts and observing the feelings that arise - emotionally and physically. A brief body scan pairs well with this observant activity.

Challenge them

This is less passive then the first strategy.  Look at the content of the thought and ask, is this really true? Could I be overthinking/assuming/exaggerating? 

And also is it permanent? Will I feel differently about this in one hour? One week? One year?

Spin them

Try to shift perspectives and see, is there any other way to look at this situation that would be less upsetting? Is there anything positive here?

Box them up

If you find you can’t spin the thought, feel free to box it up for later in order to get on with your day.

You could do this by thought-stopping (actively telling your inner-critic “stop!”) or for some, it helps to actually visualize placing the issue in a box and putting it away for later. Just remember to come back and unbox it when you are feeling up to the challenge.

Crowd them out

There's a reason the phrase “Go to your happy place” is a cliche in mental health care. It might elicit an eye roll, but shifting your mental focus away from the negative thoughts does help.

You can internally crowd out the thoughts by thinking of happy memories, or just lighter, even humorous topics. Externally, you distract yourself by engaging in an activity that releases your feel-good chemicals, whether that's having a cup of tea, going for a run, meeting up with a friend, etc. 

As always – treat yourself with kindness.

When you catch that inner-critic harassing you, counteract that with compassion and care. If you're having a hard time telling yourself kind things, try a self-love meditation like this one.

Remind yourself that you are enough, that you are trying, that you are human and you are worthy of love and kindness. 

Do you feel like your negative thoughts are preventing you from living your best life? Do you find yourself in thought spirals of self-criticism? Working with a therapist is a great way to start taming that inner-critic in a safe, judgement free space. 

Kathleen is a mental health professional in St. Louis, MO.  She specializes in the treatment of depression and anxiety in adults, college students, and high school students.  You can contact her office by phone: 314-499-2994, or email: kathleen@newleafstl.com.

Is mindfulness just a buzzword? (1 of 2)

Well…yeah. It’s a word. And there’s buzz about it. You see it on magazine covers, talking about the mindfulness revolution, mindfulness in the workplace, mindfulness in school. There are books ranging from using mindfulness to deal with depression and anxiety, to being mindful while eating.  It seems like anything can be done mindfully. But does this mean the practice is something to be brushed off as “just another buzzword?” I don’t think so. 

The practice of mindfulness has been around for centuries and is rooted in Buddhist tradition, though the word itself is newer. There are countless definitions for what it is, with common themes of awareness and attention to the present moment, observation of our physical, mental and emotional experiences in our environment, and compassion or nonjudgment of these observations.  Simple!  But maybe not easy. 

The rise of mindfulness in the mainstream seems to coincide with a world that is increasingly distracting and inattentive.

With our smartphones and social media, our world is quick, connected, and largely concerned with social capital and public perception.  Slowing down and disconnecting, even for a short period, seems impossible to so many people.  We even have a word for it now – FOMO anyone!? And this is exactly why we can't brush it off.  We need it. 

Mindfulness is the human response to a loss of attentiveness and care for ourselves that we’ve been experiencing for years.

Its popularity says to me that there is a desire to bring balance and wellness back into our lives.  It’s helping us realize that it’s OK to unplug for a minute, to stop focusing outward, and to turn that attention and compassion inward. It wants us to come back to ourselves, in this very moment. To recenter, refocus, relax.  

All of this is why it's not always easy.  It is a practice, that we can get better at.  In part two of this topic, I’ll get into some of the ways mindfulness benefits us, and some tips on how  you can start practicing mindfulness as part of your daily life.

Do you have a hard time hitting pause and want some guidance on developing your mindfulness skills? Your counselor's office is a great place to unplug and focus inward.  

Kathleen is a mental health professional in St. Louis, MO.  She specializes in the treatment of depression and anxiety in adults, college students, and high school students.  You can contact her office by phone: 314-499-2994, or email: kathleen@newleafstl.com.

#selfcare

It's trending...and why wouldn't it be? Spending time outdoors, eating food (sometimes healthy, sometimes pizza), drinking wine, yoga, meditation, spa days, time with loved ones, time with pets, time alone. Sounds perfect! But this isn’t all there is to caring for yourself. 

This is #selfcare. We see it all over our Instagram feeds. It sometimes seems indulgent; it emphasizes slowing down and enjoying ourselves. It is setting aside time for specific, self-motivated activities that recharge us. And it IS beneficial. Taking a yoga class, downloading a meditation app (and actually using it), getting outside to soak up some sun, enjoying time with a friend, being present in an activity you love like painting or reading. All these things can help decrease stress levels and recharge us emotionally.

Why, then, do we so often feel stress roll right back in as soon as we leave the yoga studio? If this feels familiar, it could be because you are using #selfcare as an escape from a stress-filled life, rather than as a counterpart to true Self-care in a balanced life.

Self-care includes the less Instagram-worthy activities that contribute to our long-term wellness. Things like evaluating personal relationships, nurturing positive ties and cutting unhealthy ones; self-advocating in the workplace when you deserve a raise or are unhappy with a policy; sitting down with your finances and creating a budget; keeping up with things like homework, laundry, oil-changes, doctor’s appointments; engaging in physical exercise and healthy eating depending on individual ability and needs; keeping your environment clean so that you can relax at home. While these things aren't as glamorous or fun, staying on top of activities like these creates a foundation for long-term wellness and balance. When you put them off, they grow larger, and more daunting. But when they are attended to, it allows #selfcare to become part of the wellness picture, rather than an indulgence or escape plan. 

So how do you start truly caring for yourself? 

Start by sitting down and writing out the things in your life that need some attention – maybe things you’ve been avoiding – and ask yourself: 

What items on my list would take just a couple of minutes to complete? 

What items need more in-depth attention? 

What items might I need help with? 

See it on paper. Break it down into manageable tasks. Start checking these off, one task or sub-task at a time. Ask for support. Incorporate your favorite #selfcare activities to stay energized as you start to manage your list. And of course, be compassionate and patient with yourself. Care about yourself enough to get it done, because you know it will benefit you. And enjoy a balanced life where a good book and a glass of wine is an enhancement, not an escape.

Do you feel like you can’t get ahead of life’s to-do list?  Do you engage in #selfcare to avoid or escape?  If you feel you can’t even begin making this list, meeting with a counselor is a good place to start.  You don’t have to do it alone!

Kathleen is a mental health professional in St. Louis, MO.  She specializes in the treatment of depression and anxiety in adults, college students, and high school students.  You can contact her office by phone: 314-499-2994, or email: kathleen@newleafstl.com.